We all know the Chuck Norris jokes like “Chuck Norris has two speed. Walk and Kill” or “Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it” or “When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris” or….Ok I’ll stop now.
Well it’s Off-Topic Friday and I found a real treat this time: Marvel’s Chuck Norris comic! Yes I didn’t know that either. Chuck Norris had his own comic, which lasted four whole issues back in 1987. I found this little treat on misterkitty.org.
Published through Marvel’s abortive Star Comics line of children’s comics, CNKK managed to match the Ruby-Spears TV cartoon, goof for goof. Chuck’s opponents are, as always, ninjas. Ninjas using those ancient Japanese weapons, handguns.
Capturing a classroom full of schoolchildren is a famous ninja tactic that dates back to the Meiji Era and enabled Nobunaga to capture the shogun’s entire supply of paste and thumbtacks.
But the Karate Kommandos are unaware of the danger! Reed and Kemo (named after his internship at the oncology clinic) spar while Tabe the fat sumo wrestler is blasting expectations and stereotypes by raiding the refrigerator.
Too Much is in danger? How much danger is Too Much in? Too much danger? How?
Also: giant mutated rat.
When your martial arts skills are developed to the Chuck Norris level, you can spit out gigantic chunks of expository dialog in mere seconds without breaking a sweat.
Victory! We’ve held an entire classroom hostage in exchange for a camper van! CAMPER VAN IS OURS!
Silly Chuck, expecting ninjas to pick on someone their own size. By the way, the weird, ugly black areas aren’t your failing monitor- it’s the magic of Flex-o-Graphic printing, the bane of the comic world of the 1980s.
I see these ninjas have been reading about Chuck on the internets. I would have also accepted “Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep - he waits” and “Chuck Norris doesn’t read books - he just stares them down until they give him the information he wants.”
I agree that the famous Chuck Norris might seem to make a better hostage than a “school marm”. However, when one considers that Chuck Norris is famous for KICKING YOUR ASS, his hostage suitability factor vanishes instantly.
And speaking of kicking ass, here we go!!
Whew. Give me a minute.
Notice the extended pinky of the ninja’s gun hand. Trained in the mystical arts of death AND delicately dainty -that’s the hallmark of the Klaw Ninjas.
Of course, we’re talking about ninjas that can be rounded up by city cops like so many homeless sterno bums, so their awesome martial arts skills can’t be all that. Too Much, quit petting the giant mutant rat.
What makes this issue of CHUCK NORRIS KARATE KOMMANDOS special - besides starring Chuck Norris - is the constant plugging of James “Shogun” Clavell’s THE CHILDREN’S STORY.
Throughout the comic, characters mention this book in glowing terms and use it to make time with the hot schoolmarms. Fact is THE CHILDREN’S STORY is a Ayn Rand-ish fable about a dystopian future America where children are brainwashed by an authoritarian collectivist dictatorship. Objectivist-friendly commentary in a Steve Ditko comic book? Say it ain’t so, Chuck!
10 August, 2007
General Nonsense