The Beta News

Serious drinkers prefer to stay off the road on New Year’s Eve,
sometimes calling it “Amateur Night.” I am reminded of that witticism
as I watch the debate about whether Pluto is a real planet or a dwarf
planet.

To a professional humorist there is nothing more painful than a news
story that demands an obvious joke. The amateurs pile on and it gets
ugly fast. Example:

“If Pluto isn’t a planet, that’s Goofy! HAHAHAHAHAHA-SNORT!”

“Pluto isn’t a planet – he’s a DOG! WHAAHAHAAHAHAAA!!!”

“Pluto is a dwarf? I guess Disney put him in the wrong cartoon! HOOHAAHAHAHAHA!!!”

You see? Painful.

At the recent nerdfest where it was decided Pluto wasn’t a real
planet, one of the scientists held up a stuffed Pluto (the Walt Disney
kind) and an umbrella and wittily pointed out that Pluto was under the
umbrella of planets that include “dwarf planets.” The scientists all
laughed and snorted and wondered why they don’t get laid more often.

Call me old fashioned, but I don’t think Pluto should be the
funniest planet – or even the funniest non-planet. That distinction
belongs to another. Uranus, 8th celestial body from the sun, is part
miracle of gravity and part bung hole. It has earned its status as the
funny man of the cosmos.

Despite anything you have heard, Uranus is not a black hole and
there are no Klingons circling it. Nor does it have Venus envy. It is
simply the funniest of all planets, be they dwarf or regular. Some
things should never change.

Unlike Pluto, I believe there is life on the one true funny planet.
I believe there are primates and I believe they have evolved the power
of flight. But you probably won’t believe that until winged monkeys fly
out of Uranus.

Amateurs, please stay off the road.