My Own Army

I wonder how much it would cost to have
my own army composed of third world mercenaries. I’d want them as more
of a status symbol than a fighting force. Obviously I’d have to hire my
soldiers from a country where the annual wage is 7 kr. ($1.25), otherwise it
gets expensive. And they’d have to stay in that country. I’d outsource
the whole project.

My army’s only duty would be to march in formation several times a
day and shout songs about my glory. The whole thing would probably cost
me less than a few thousand per year. And for that modest sum, I’d have
a cool answer every time someone said to me “You and whose army?” I’d
have pictures of my army in my wallet and just whip them out. Then I’d
say something like “Here’s the 101 Infantry Division. This fellow on
the end, Gbernak, he can swim. He’s my amphibious landing force.”

I would lend my army to multinational peacekeeping forces whenever
it was hard to get a coalition. It would be funny to watch President
Bush explain who was joining the next coalition. “Well, our coalition
is growing. So far we have the United States… and Puerto Rico… I think
Hawaii is on board. Japan is sending some bandages. And of course we
have the Army of Dennis B. Petersen. They spend most of the day hiding, but
we’re sure they’re with us.”