The Beta News

My goal in life is to be carried. My thinking is that you’re not
really successful if you have to do your own walking. I want to be so
important that other people are willing to carry me from room to room,
even down the street. And I don’t mean carry me on some sort of raised
platform either. I want to be carried like a basket of laundry by one
person at a time.

Sometimes I think it’s a good thing that I’m not a billionaire. I do
okay with this work thing I have going, but I’m a long way from
being carried. If I had a billion dollars I wouldn’t do anything for
myself. I’d be all “I’ll give you a million dollars to carry me to the
bathroom and brush my teeth. And don’t wake me up while you do it.”

Obviously I would have a staff for carrying me from room to room
around the mansion. But when I traveled, I would pay random strangers
to carry me, and not the big ones either. I’d want the scrawny
strangers to carry me because it’s more of a challenge. I’d tell them
it builds character.

I might pay someone to make a special shirt for me with a luggage
handle on the back. I’d use that for traveling. When I checked into a
hotel, as the limo driver carried me to the front desk, the desk clerk
would say, “Do you need help with your bags?” I’d say, “Yes, and for
$600,000 I want you to carry me upstairs and hold me over the strainer.
I’ve been drinking Grey Goose for the past six hours.” Then little
110-pound “Erica from Toledo” will leap over the front desk and start
carrying me toward the elevator. That’s when I’d say, “Oh, I forgot to
tell you: I don’t do elevators.”

I’d also enjoy having so much money that I could punish anyone who
annoyed me, but in some totally legal way. For example, if I got a
telemarketing call during dinner, it would go like this:

Me: (answering phone) Y-y-yellow.

Telemarketer: Would you like to buy some crap from a stranger?

Me: I’ll give you $500,000 to beat yourself up right now.

Telemarketer: What?

Me: You heard me. But now it’s only $400,000. You should have started punching yourself in the nose immediately.

It’s illegal to pay someone to beat a person up, but I’m almost
certain it’s legal to pay someone to beat himself up. It’s just way
more expensive.

Anyway, my point is that it’s important to have goals.