American Idol Myspace Hunt: Round #2

"Tonight’s American Idol auditions took place in Seattle. At first, I was a little worried because it appeared that the Seattle crowd did not appear to be the most myspace savvy folk, but thank god they proved me wrong. Some of the contestants tonight should be glad I couldn’t find them. Amy Salgado, the fat weepy asian chick who kept crying about her cold? Please. Melissa “Carline” Stavros, I must say I’ve never been so sickened by a rendition of Baby Got Back in my entire life. Yes, you have a big booty. But where the fuck do you get off calling yourself “fluffy?” Seattle did have it’s share of crazies, and for that, they get much respect. Tonight I just focused mostly on the American Losers, but there’s links to all those advancing to Hollywood at the end of the post. You’ll also notice a comment called “Jack’s Note” on each of the contestants. Jack is my friend who had enough brain power last night during the Minneapolis auditions to pontificate that “you know, we might be able to find this girl on Myspace.” With his help again, I present American Idol Myspace Hunt: Round #2."

Let’s start with those deranged enough to think they had a shot at the title.

Name: Steven Thoen
Age: 28
Location: Seattle, Washington
Appalling self-comparison: Freddie Mercury, lead singer of Queen
Song sung: Bohemian Rhapsody
Obvious nickname: Red
Even better myspace name: Redd Dog 420
Myspace headline: its gotta be 420 somewhere!!!
Umm..no: “I look like Carrot Top sort of, but everyone says I’m way cooler than him.” I do not agree with this at all, and that’s pretty ridiculous because Carrot Top blows pretty hard.
Simon: It would be like coaching a one-legged man to win the 100m sprint.”
Lesson other contestants can learn from this guy: “Don’t sing it, just bring it.”
In case you were still wondering: Yes, he is herb friendly.
Jack’s note: Good to know that Red “doesn’t want kids” we wouldn’t want him reproducing now would we?
Myspace: www.myspace.com/red_dogg420

Name: Eric Chapman
Age: 31
Location: Renton, WA
Nickname: Twist train? Seriously?
Occupation: Hairdresser. And he makes it a point to inform you that “I’m not gay even though I cut hair as my career.” And the dude rides a Harley. Toooootally clears things up.
Occupational hazard: Came armed with pomade of some sort and tried to fix Simon’s hair. I never realized how many security guys they have waiting off camera until Simon’s hair was in danger.
Song butchered: Dobie Gray – Drift Away
Past Idol Comparison: Okay, so the first thing I think of was this guy looks very similar to Taylor Hicks. Then came the “I’M THE NEXT TAYLOR HICKS BABY!!” and “It’s great looking like Taylor because it’s really helped with the ladies.” As much as I despise Taylor, you’d have the hit the dude in the head with a hammer enough times to induce a lisp for the comparison to be accurate.
Reason for appearing on Idol: “I want everyone to know I’m different than Taylor.” You might want to cut back a little on all the SCREAMING comparisons then, dude. You practically want to be the guy. So I’m calling bullshit.
Simon: “Are you drunk?”
Jack’s note: Good to know that, Eric has “a problem or gift to aways look at the light and not aways the dark of people.”
Myspace: www.myspace.com/erock2117

Name: Nicholas Zitzmann
Age: 27
Location: Midvale, Utah
Song butchered: Righteous Brothers – Unchained Melodies
Occupation: Software Engineer (obviously). The only way a person like this can function in society is if they’re confined to a dark room somewhere with lots and lots of electronics. He said that his co-workers had talked him into auditioning even though they’ve never heard him sing a song. Those fine folks obviously realized the limitless entertainment potential of Nicholas Zitzmann.
Self-deprecation: “Congratulations on finding the profile of the biggest black hole in Idol history.”
Bonus points: The inclusion of an instrumental lullaby-power-ballad entitled “Sleep Now” in a attempt to prove his musical ability.
Jack’s note: Good to know that, Nick allows anyone to pass around his hit single, “Sleep Now” but of course don’t go exploiting his fame for commercial purposes.
Myspace: www.myspace.com/139692772

Name: Darwin “Misha” Reedy
Age: 27
Location: Seattle, WA via Houston, TX
Song butchered: Pussycat Dolls – Don’t Cha
Myspace name: Poet of the Dark
Delusions of Grandeur: Both her and her mother apparently co-wrote a novella about a singing competition and were soooo excited to meet Simon because they based one of the characters on him. Please please someone get a hold of what I’m sure is an amazing piece of modern American literature.
Jack’s note: Good to know that, in DMR’s first memory she was in the ER with a “severe asthma attack.” I wonder how she managed to keep that fine physique with such an intense medical condition.
Myspace: www.myspace.com/poetofthedark

Name: Jennifer Chapton
Age: 23
Location: Seattle, WA
Nickname: The Hotness THE MOTHER FUCKING BEATNESS
File under: Straight up deranged. I wasn’t able to find her myspace but someone linked me to her star search casting and my god I haven’t been this amused in my entire life.
Known accents: American LA, English, Ebonics, American Southern, Brooklyn, Bronx, American NY, Italian, Spanish, Jewish, Valley Girl, Jive, Swahili Accent
Response to Simon: read in a pissed-off/Jewish/Brooklyn/slurring/semi-retarded accent “You don’t know nothing about music!!! You don’t know nothing about music!!! You don’t know nothing about music!!! You don’t know nothing about music!!! You don’t know nothing about music!!!”
Jack’s note: Good to know that, Jennifer has professional skills in “Jet Skiing.”
Star search: http://jenniferchapton.starsearchcasting.com

Name: Jonathan Jayne
Age: 21
Location: Renton, WA
Song butchered: God Bless America
Reason to friend on Myspace: Professional myspace comment writer as evidenced here.
Jack’s note: Good to know that Jon Jon didn’t just buy that shirt for the audition.
Myspace: www.myspace.com/jonathanjayne

Now we get to look forward to future embarrassment!

Name: Blake Lewis
Age: 25
Location: Seattle, WA
Song sung: Seal – Crazy
Thug life: Representin’ Seattle, tha Emerald City.
Who he’d like to meet: First one listed? Prince.
Unfamous: Claims the reason he’s been undiscovered for so long is that he lives in Seattle, not in LA.
Claim to fame: Beatboxing champion.
Myspace: www.myspace.com/shortybshorty
Music: www.myspace.com/blakelewis

Unfortunately, I have run out of time for this evening and/or everybody else has really fucking boring myspaces. There are a couple private ones thrown in there too, so go ahead and friend them and see their profile in it’s full glory. One of these people may be the future American Idol (Dear god I hope not.)

Brandon Groves
Apparently, that’s his personal space. Try to friend him anyway, but he wants people to go here.

Tommy Daniels
Shyamali Malakar
Sanjaya Malakar
Anna Kearns
Jordin Sparks
Rudy Cardenas and his cheesy ass band Mpact (get them to play your high school!)

Credit to: Eric @ http://deathbycamera.com