My New Goal
July 31, 2006
My goal in life is to be carried. My thinking is that you’re not
really successful if you have to do your own walking. I want to be so
important that other people are willing to carry me from room to room,
even down the street. And I don’t mean carry me on some sort of raised
platform either. I want to be carried like a basket of laundry by one
person at a time.
Sometimes I think it’s a good thing that I’m not a billionaire. I do
okay with this work thing I have going, but I’m a long way from
being carried. If I had a billion dollars I wouldn’t do anything for
myself. I’d be all “I’ll give you a million dollars to carry me to the
bathroom and brush my teeth. And don’t wake me up while you do it.”
Obviously I would have a staff for carrying me from room to room
around the mansion. But when I traveled, I would pay random strangers
to carry me, and not the big ones either. I’d want the scrawny
strangers to carry me because it’s more of a challenge. I’d tell them
it builds character.
I might pay someone to make a special shirt for me with a luggage
handle on the back. I’d use that for traveling. When I checked into a
hotel, as the limo driver carried me to the front desk, the desk clerk
would say, “Do you need help with your bags?” I’d say, “Yes, and for
$600,000 I want you to carry me upstairs and hold me over the strainer.
I’ve been drinking Grey Goose for the past six hours.” Then little
110-pound “Erica from Toledo” will leap over the front desk and start
carrying me toward the elevator. That’s when I’d say, “Oh, I forgot to
tell you: I don’t do elevators.”
I’d also enjoy having so much money that I could punish anyone who
annoyed me, but in some totally legal way. For example, if I got a
telemarketing call during dinner, it would go like this:
Me: (answering phone) Y-y-yellow.
Telemarketer: Would you like to buy some crap from a stranger?
Me: I’ll give you $500,000 to beat yourself up right now.
Telemarketer: What?
Me: You heard me. But now it’s only $400,000. You should have started punching yourself in the nose immediately.
It’s illegal to pay someone to beat a person up, but I’m almost
certain it’s legal to pay someone to beat himself up. It’s just way
more expensive.
Anyway, my point is that it’s important to have goals.
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25 Cinematic Cliches I Never Wanna See Again
July 14, 2006
Those of you that know me fairly well know that I adore making
lists. I get a serious thrill out of it. In that light, here are “25
Cinematic Cliches I never wanna see again.” Enjoy!
25. That in period pieces, vintage cars are always freshly polished,
painted, and clean. They never have scratches, dents or any signs of
use.
24. Every time we’re introduced to a police precinct house, one or
more colourfully dressed prostitutes are being brought in while
bickering with their arresting officer.
23. Chinese food takeout in a movie always comes in those little
white boxes, which I have never, in my life, seen chinese food arrive
at my door in. I desperately want it to, but it never does.
22. If a bar or clubhouse has a pinball machine, it’s gonna get
fucking trashed during a fight scene. (I’ve ALWAYS wanted my own
pinball machine, so this one makes me wince)
21. That it’s only after the detective has been suspended (and
obligatorily forced to place his badge and gun on the lieutenant’s
desk) that he can properly crack the case.
20. That in war, only the enemy (usually the Viet Cong) were ever low-down enough to stoop to using booby traps.
19. People being chased by a car who run top speed down the middle
of the street instead of simply ducking somewhere where a car can’t
follow, which happens to be pretty much anywhere except the middle of
the street.
18. Young gorgeous women constantly falling in love with men much,
much older than they are. In other words: Fuck you Jack Nicholson and
Clint Eastwood. 
17. Chess players are always always brilliant, charming, upper class
people, while card players are always sneaky, foul mouthed, and prone
to cheating.
16. When an innocent cough is always a symptom of terminal illness.
15. Women that never have enough sense to keep running while being
chased by an enemy unless a guy is pulling her along by her hand or
wrist — despite the fact that this takes them far below the speed
either one could go on their own.
14. That somehow singing in a moving vehicle always makes something terrible happen.
13. If someone dies with their eyes open, someone will close them by
effortlessly moving their hand over the deceased face — and they will
remain tightly shut.
12. If our protagonist goes to a sporting event, no matter who he is, his face will always end up on the fucking jumbotron.
11. Women that don’t sweat during sex.
10. That every helicopter shutting down emits the chirp-chirp-chirp
sound, in spite of the fact that only the Bell 47G (the chopper on
MASH) actually makes this noise.
9. If a hero is divorced (and most are), that he’ll have some
contact with his ex-wife who will still have strong feelings for him
even if she’s remarried.
8. All computer keyboards or control panels have thousands of volts
just underneath their surface, and their malfunctions are indicated by
a puff of smoke and a cartoonish shower of sparks.
7. That Native Americans invariably have mystical knowledge that can
obtusely predict the future, or have a fundamental understanding of all
things in nature .
6. That when a phone line is broken unexpectedly, someone will
always frantically press the phone cradle button and yell “Hello?
HELLO!?” with an emphasis on the second hello.
5. A splash of cold water in face will render the most inebriated
person stone cold sober in a faction of a second. I’ve tried it. It
doesn’t work.
4. When someone yells “You never backed away from everything in your
life, now fight!!” while giving someone CPR or working to resuscitate a
stopped heart.
3. Girls are always instantly attractive to every male if they take
off their glasses and/or let down their hair, never mind that they were
totally gorgeous actresses failing to physically portray a nerd in the
first place.
2. Children or retards that are wise beyond their years/capabilities and that humble the adults around them.
aaaand: (Drumroll)
1. Dogs who always know who is evil, and bark at them.
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Zlango’s Icon-based Language for SMS
July 13, 2006
Zlango is a new Israeli startup (there is a lot of innovation going on there)
that has created a very interesting new language and associated
application that could change the SMS landscape (as well as,
eventually, email and IM). Israel design firm Mantis is involved with the project.
The language is based on icons, or pictures. Each icon has a specific
meaning - a person pointing to himself for “me” or a heart for “love”.
There are over 200 icons included in the Zlango language today.
Users of the service download a thin 64K Java or Brew application for
their GSM or CDMA phone. The application converts the icons into a SMS
message and then re-translates back to icons at the receiver phone. To
see how it works visually, check out the flash tour here and then try out the simulator here.
Source: Techcrunch
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“Enough is enough! I’ve had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!”
July 12, 2006
Nelville Flynn (Samuel L. Jackson) and Sean Jones (Nathan Phillips), who are FBI agents, escort John Saunders (Mark Houghton),
a former Mafia member, to testify in a highly publicized case. In the
course of a flight between Hawaii and California, an assassin pays
airport security to sneak a time-release crate of 400 snakes of various sizes on board in the hope of killing the witness.
The story apparently has gone through revisions, as is often the
case with feature films. In at least one existing draft of the
screenplay, the Sean Jones character is a 17-year-old witness to the
murder by mob boss Edward Kim. Sean is the one being transported by
agents. The character of John Sanders — spelling cq in this draft –
is an FBI agent, not a witness. He is Flynn's superior, who happens to
be afraid of snakes.
Snake on a Plane has become quite the internet phenonemon. Many people are blogging it, writing songs, parody films, a board game and so forth.
I highly recommend this parody of a casting to SoaP. Dave Coyne brilliantly imitates Cristopher Walken, Robert DeNiro, Jack Nicholson and Joe Pesci.
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Headbutt Materazzi with Zidane!
July 11, 2006
See how many Materazzis' you can headbutt with Zidane before the referee gives you the red car.
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There’s nothing Peter Crouch can’t do!
July 7, 2006
See the rest of his amazing abilities here
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